Bigmouth strikes again

“Man of the match!” shouted Georgie
“Is awarded to young Kevin Doyle!”
And then he went into an orgy
Of praise for the blonde Irish Royal.

He’d run any niggly knocks off
And torn at the Bulgar defence.
He’d worked his proverbial socks off.
His worth to the team was immense.

As soon as the words had been spoken,
The ball came to Doyle five yards out.
Resistance would surely be token!
The nation drew breath to let shout.

The header was weak and untesting.
Their goalie breathed sighs of relief.
We spent several minutes divesting
Ourselves of our palpable grief.

“Man of the match?” we repeated,
In tones unforgiving and callous,
While Kev stood there pale and defeated,
Staring down at the poison-filled chalice.

.

Ireland 1 Bulgaria 1 2010 WC Qualifier

Highway robbery

“Stand and deliver!”
The words sent a shiver
Through those on the road to the Cape.
The Georgians peered out
When they heard the fierce shout,
But they’d no means by which to escape.

On eleven black horses,
The feared em’rald forces
Stood waiting, their pistols well cocked.
And a deafening barrage
Of shots rocked the carriage,
The roadway now totally blocked.

“Hand over the goods!”
Snarled the men in the hoods,
As the Georgians shrank back with a yell.
“And you’d better not tarry
Or these bullets will carry
You off to the great fires of Hell!”

There was naught they could do.
They were right in the stew,
As they looked out, confused yet resigned.
The three points were delivered
And the Fates roundly shivered
As we robbed the poor travellers blind.

Joey O’Brien terzanelle

To work your way onto the national team
Was once the goal of ev’ry fresh-faced lad.
It should be ev’ry budding player’s dream

To represent his country. It is sad
To hear about a young man snubbing what
Was once the goal of ev’ry fresh-faced lad.

It seems the Bolton midfield star has got
The hump with Signor Trap. I was aghast
To hear about a young man snubbing what

Could be a great career. In times now past
You revelled in the honour bravely won.
The hump with Signor Trap? I was aghast

At his presumptuous threat. ‘Twas never done
For, playing for the country of your birth,
You revelled in the honour bravely won.

No greater honour is there here on earth
To work your way onto the national team
For, playing for the country of your birth -
It should be ev’ry budding player’s dream.

The new Lansdowne

Oh John Delaney, thank you for your letter
Offering a seat in Lansdowne Road.
The graphics show the place will look much better
Than Irish football’s previous abode.

I’d really like to join you in this venture
To bring this country even further glory.
A real fan would have to have dementia
Not to want to join you in this story.

Sadly though, I must decline your offers.
I won’t be one of Irish football’s backers.
Tragically the Goulding household coffers
Don’t extend to seven thousand smackers.

If ever I’m enriched by antique pottery,
If ever I amount to very much,
If ever I should come up in the lottery,
Rest assured, I’ll surely get in touch.

Reiding the game

Eamo cannot understand
Why Trap will not play Andy.
“The best left foot in all the land
Must surely come in handy.
He’s far more gifted than, say, Hunt,
And really makes things happen.
He’ll feed the boyos we’ve up front,
Young Doyler and his cap’n.”

But though I favour Andy Reid
When victory is nearing,
If we should go on to concede,
Then Reid goes disappearing.
He doesn’t do much tracking back,
He doesn’t do much tackling.
In truth he comes across as slack,
When midfield needs tight shackling.

Oh Eamonn, you’re just one of those
Who loves to spout baloney.
I’ll put my faith in one who knows –
That’s Signor Trapattoni.

Two blue strips down the side of the screen

There were two blue strips down the side of the screen,
When Montenegro played against the boys in green.
‘Twas the first time ever that this had been seen –
These two blue strips down the side of the screen.

The Montenegro back four had a torrid night,
For Doyler kept on vanishing out of sight.
Whenever someone tried to mark Robbie Keane,
He’d nip behind the strips down the side of the screen.

At half time Uncle Bill on RTE
Said the strips were the fault of Montenegro TV
“You can blame it on them that these strips are seen,”
He explained about those strips down the side of the screen.

But we who avoid the Giles – Dunphy banter
And switched in the second half over to Setanta,
Discovered there a picture both wide and green
With no blue strips down the side of the screen.

Loria in excelsis deo

Despite the fact we badly yearned
For three points to boost our campaign;
Despite the chances we had spurned
While struggling in the Rhineland’s rain;
Despite the six year barren spell
Wherein we hoped for far too much;
Despite the pleas to come out well
And find again that winning touch;
Despite the fact we crave success
To counter economic gloom;
Despite the fact a massive “YES!!!!”
Blared out from every sitting room;
Yet still a tear or two is shed
For Georgia’s young custodian
Who wishes that he’d learned instead
To play the nickelodeon.